


The Eyebrow-Rearranging Expertise of the Drell

by jademark



Series: Given Prompts [33]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: (of a mercenary), Crack, Eyebrows, Mr Potato Head - Freeform, death mention, kidnapping mention, rated teen bc swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22220812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jademark/pseuds/jademark
Summary: "Little known Commander Faaarpoon is a new recruit on the Normandy, and Jack is not happy about it. Jack teams up with Kolyat to rearrange Faaarpoon's eyebrows."
Series: Given Prompts [33]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1599073
Kudos: 1





	The Eyebrow-Rearranging Expertise of the Drell

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a series of ficlets inspired by strange prompts from my sister.

"Some of you already know why I've asked you all to meet here, but I will go over the memo again for everyone," Shepard said. She nodded at a man standing next to her. "This is Commander Faaarpoon, who will be joining our team. You might ask why we would need two commanders. Commander Faaarpoon has spent many years behind the scenes with Cerberus, which is why The Illusive Man has placed him on my dossier. He will be an asset to our team. It may seem odd two have two commanders at this time but expertise will only bring us closer to defeating the Collectors. Commander Faaarpoon, do you have any words for the crew?"

"Yes. Cerberus has equipped me with years of experience in dealing with galactic threats to humanity. As long as you're loyal to Cerberus, then we shouldn't have a problem."

As Faaarpoon droned on, anger blurred Jack's vision. Having to pledge loyalty to Cerberus after all they put her through was hard enough as it was, much less having to coexist with Miranda. Now she was tasked with having to comply to a Cerberus fanatic even higher up the ladder with such an arrogant attitude and a stupid fucking name... No, this was the last straw. Faces around her looked slightly displeased, though none compared to Jack's. She diverted her glaring gaze away from Faaarpoon in fear that she would lose control.

"We're happy to have you as part of the team, Commander," Miranda piped up. Jack directed her furious gaze onto her.

* * *

"You called me down here, Jack?" Shepard walked down the steps of Engineering. "I think I already know what this is about."

"Yeah, no shit," Jack leapt down onto the floor.

"You know... I hate that Cerberus rebuilt me. It didn't give me a say in whether I'd assist them or not." Shepard sighed. "I wish I could offer you an alternative.”

"Yeah, I don't need your pity," Jack said. "I just think it's fucking stupid to have two commanders. Why would The Illusive Man want you to recruit another? We've got enough Cerberus fanatics here as it is."

"Unfortunately, that is out of my control," Shepard said. "I have to recruit everyone on my dossier. But try to keep in mind that what unites us all is the mission to stop the collectors. We're free to move on with our lives after that. Until then, I'm going to need everyone's full commitment." She paused as Jack sighed. "I'm on your side, Jack. And as far as I'm aware, I still oversee our missions, so I don't think you'll have to interact with Faaarpoon very much, if at all."

"Alright, well," Jack said, "Can you do me a favor? Next time you go to the Citadel, take me with you, okay?"

"Will do," Shepard said. 

* * *

When Shepard next visited the Citadel, Jack lingered around C-Sec for as long as she could until she spotted a drell talking to Commander Bailey. She waited until they were done conversing and then approached the drell.

“Are you Kolyat?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m part of Commander Shepard’s crew. My name is Jack and I need your help with a Cerberus operative.”

Kolyat glanced at Bailey and a few officers at the end of the room, and then folded his arms. “I’m afraid I’m not doing that anymore. I can’t help you. Besides, aren’t you affiliated with Cerberus?”

“Oh my God. I’m not asking you to kill anyone. I want you to rearrange his eyebrows.”

Kolyat’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

“We’ve got two commanders now because Cerberus thought that was a brilliant idea, and his name is Commander Faaarpoon. He’s annoying as hell and I just want to teach him a lesson.”

“I’ve never heard of him before.”

"That doesn't shock me. Well for someone with a nonexistent reputation he's sure a pain in the ass. If we could just rearrange his eyebrows it would throw him off and remind him he doesn't have as much power as he thinks. And it would be too insignificant to report. It's the perfect crime. Are you in?"

"Well..." Kolyat paused. "That’s not a euphemism for anything is it?” 

“I don’t do that bullshit. I mean what I say.” 

“It still sounds risky."

"That's why I consulted you. If you can stealthily take someone's life I'm sure you can fuck up their face with much less effort."

"Alright, if that's all we're doing, then I'm in."

"Great. Meet me at the docking bay in an hour. Shepard's probably wondering where I am so I've got to go."

* * *

Inside the Normandy, Jack glanced at EDI and pressed a finger to her lips. "For the love of God, or whatever the fuck is sacred to you, please keep this off the record," she whispered. Kolyat slipped past her and hid inside Faaarpoon's empty cabin, concealing himself.

"What now?" he said.

"Now we wait."

Later in the evening, Faaarpoon entered his cabin and was soon fast asleep. Kolyat snuck over to the bed and got to work.

* * *

"I really don't get why it's such a big deal, but Commander Faaarpoon is claiming someone has a vendetta against him and messed with his eyebrows," Shepard sighed in the cockpit.

"Well, something clearly happened, because last I checked, eyebrows don't just do that on their own," Joker said.

Shepard turned around. "EDI?" EDI's console activated. "Can you show me the video logs near Faaarpoon's cabin?"

"Yes, but unfortunately I lost the footage from 7:53 PM to 9:12 PM."

"How did that happen… Just show me what you have, then."

The video logs revealed no trace of activity apart from Faaarpoon himself.

"Figures," Shepard sighed. "Well, based on that, I've got nothing." She checked her omni-tool. "Now he wants to hold a conference? I don't have time for this."

"It's your call. You're still mostly in command of the ship."

"Yeah, screw this. I've got more important things to do. He can take it directly to The Illusive Man if it's so important."

* * *

Thane requested to come with Shepard next time she arrived at the Citadel. Once this happened, he walked over to C-Sec and asked Commander Bailey if Kolyat was available.

"Hello Kolyat. How has life in C-Sec been treating you?" Thane asked once he came over.

"Fine, dad. How are you? Is something wrong?"

Thane lowered his head. “I have to say, I did hear about something that concerned me.”

"Go on."

"Cerberus recently appointed a commander to work alongside Shepard. This new commander was not particularly liked by anyone, and he has recently reported that someone rearranged his eyebrows in his sleep.” Thane paused, looking at the floor. “Once I saw those eyebrows, I immediately recognized the kind of work that was done. It was on par with the skill of a drell assassin.”

“Ugh, I knew you’d suspect me,” Kolyat said. “Fine. Yes, a crewmember from the Normandy asked me to do it. I wasn’t hurting anyone, so I didn’t think you’d have a problem.”

“And I am glad you are not going down the same path that I took. But I must warn you, rearranging eyebrows can be a slippery slope.”

“What, like you’ve done it?”

“I have,” Thane said. A drell memory recollection played out. 

Close-up on his eyes. “I was 15.”

Close-up on his mouth. “I was tasked to release captive elcor children.” 

Close-up on his profile. "Silently crying, quivering bodies." 

Close-up on his chin. “My job was only to release them, not assassinate their captor, a mercenary representative.” 

Close-up on his left eye. “Yet after they had been escorted to safety, I saw the mercenary representative asleep and I thought fast, keeping my instructions in mind.” 

Close-up on his forehead. “I swiftly rearranged her eyebrows.” 

Close-up on his profile. “Yet once she had figured out, she went on a rampage.” 

Close-up on his cheek. “I had to hunt her down and kill her later. I do not know how much damage was done in-between the eyebrow arrangements and the assassination.” 

The memory finished and Thane looked at Kolyat. “Sadly, eyebrow arrangement is a complicated act. My advice is that you must know your target well before embarking on such a task to prevent a mistake like mine." 

“Fine. I’ll be more careful next time. But I think you’re worrying too much,” Kolyat said. 

“I appreciate that we could have this discussion. I will talk to you later, Kolyat. Be well.” 

“Talk to you later, dad.”

Thane walked past a Mr. Potato Head advertisement as he left.


End file.
